| | That's the best way I can describe how I feel mentally. The death of my father has fucked me up more than I expected. On one hand I miss him terribly and find myself thinking back to the few good memories I have of him. Then reality sets in and the memories I have blocked out for years wash over me like a scary wave with horrible images of the beatings I took as a child both physically, mentally, and verbally. This has knocks me out and causes lots of nightmares, actually they are night tremors. I was plagued with them as a child and now they have come back. Of course they only happen when the hubby isn't home and I can't bring myself to tell him about them. So many horrible horrible things that I cannot find the courage to tell him about. I have never been so tired in all my life. You should see the puffy bags under my eyes, they aren't dark circles but it looks like I've aged 15 years in the past 4 weeks. I know this will pass with time and I'm fighting to not let myself completely get lost in it, it's so hard. I want to be in the holiday spirit so bad but I'm failing. Don't get me wrong I'm putting on a good show for friends and family, but I'm definitely not myself. I'm having these out of body experiences lately too. Take today for instance, well technically yesterday. My hubby's side of the family and I adopted a family for Christmas and we delivered the presents, tree and meals to them. I watched the whole thing from outside myself and for the first time saw how sad I am. I spent the day with them and came to stay the night, so that we can wake up together as a family for Christmas Eve. All day I have watched myself from outside of me, I don't know how to describe it. I've been horrible about corresponding with close friends, I read e-mails and listen to voice mails but don't return calls. I'm afraid I'm going to lose more people because of this funk, but I can't bring myself to say more than pleasantries but anymore than that and I'm out. I have an appointment with the counselor but not until mid January and I'm just treading water and taking vicadin until then. So if you have called/e-mailed me and I haven't written/called back, please don't give up on me. I'm not in a good place but I'm not gone either, I just need more time.  |
| | Posted 12/24/2007 4:22 AM - 43 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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